Dear Bill - Your Forum To Ask The Expert
Bill Gates, MD
Questions for December:
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Dear Bill, Over the last few weeks my cock has gotten more and more purple. Im too ashamed of what a doctor would say and my girlfriend wont have sex with me anymore because of it. My mom seems to think that I should do something and even she is scared to touch it. What do you think could be causing this?! Signed, Mr. Winky -- Dear Mr. Winky, You need to seek medical attention at once. Genitalia are not something to be fucked with (no pun intended). Chances are you have a penile aneurysm and will need to have your genitals amputated. God damnit that's sick, I'm sure glad I'm not you. You're going to spend the rest of your life sexless and miserable, probably alone and poor, living in a van down by the river. You're probably going to end up a junk addict, and let old men sodomize you for a few bucks to support your habit. God damnit, you're one sick fuck! Sincerely, Bill. Dear Bill, I sometimes find myself fantasizing about midget lesbians having sex with each other. When I am really aroused I get really creative with toys and other objects such as used sucker sticks. I fondle my genitalia with the used end getting me all sticky and nasty feeling. I was wondering if this is a normal thing for people to fantasize about and do other people have feelings like this too? By the way, are you gonna finish that lollipop? Signed, Licorice Stix -- Dear Licorice Stix, You asked me if you think if what you are feeling is normal. What is normal anyhow? The status quo, or what the majority of people think is socially acceptable? I say throw caution to the wind and go with your gut feelings. If you get off from being with midget lesbians, than so be it! Eat those tiny pussy pops and enjoy! And yes, I'm going to finish this lollipop, so get your sick fucking hands off me you dirty skank whore. Signed, Bill Dear Bill, I am 25 years old male, and I have this problem: I've been in love with the same girl ever since I was 18. She was the first girl I was with, but after a month she dumped me. Although she has dumped me several times after that, I still want her. Is it normal? Signed, Hopeless Romantic -- Dear Hopeless, I think the main question on everyone's mind right now is, "Did you slip your hot throbbing erection into her tight lubricated love swamp?". Well, did you or what? I highly doubt she's worth crying over if you didn't even get to bang her analy. Most girls are like that. The lead you on and make you think you are going to score only to have them tell you they are on their period. Fuck periods! I don't mind a little blood! As far as you still wanting her even though she has repeatedly dumped you, no, that is not normal. If you have any questions please read the book "My Compost" by Jeffrey Dahmer. Signed, Bill Dear Bill, As is the nature of your column, I have written you for some advice. I currently have in my possession thirteen deceased individuals who I need to dispose of...and before you ask, yes I did kill them. You see, I live in campus dorms, and that being the case, I find it very hard to discreetly dispose of the evidence of my crimes. The bodies have already been dismembered, but my roommate is starting to notice the stench and I feel that eliminating him would draw too much attention to my person. How should I deal with this situation. Signed, Baffled in Ontario -- Dear Baffled, When dealing with dead, rotting corpses it is best to use a method of disposal that would get rid of the bodies quickly and be environmentally sound. Our precious Earth is being destroyed by serial killers who don't give a second thought to the pollution that dead bodies cause. Did you know that the average mans bowels release 249cc's of methane upon decomposition which contributes to the green house effect? I would recommend that you go to a gardening centre and purchase a composting unit. Place the rotting, dismembered corpses in there and sit back and relax and watch as your former friends become wonderfully fresh, thick and rich soil which you can use in your garden! If you have any questions please read the book "My Compost" by Jeffrey Dahmer. Signed, Bill Dear Bill, Which is more important, mental health, or dental health? I can't afford both, and can't decide what to go for. Your opinion will be most appreciated. P.s. if you have a few extra bucks lying around..... perhaps a small loan could be arranged???? Signed, Crazy Cavities -- Dear Crazy Cavities, If you are interested in getting laid, I would definitely choose dental health over mental health. No woman wants to kiss a man with baked beans for teeth. But if getting a woman is not important to you, then by all means, mental health is important. Most problems these days can be cured by medication, so you won't have to waste your time going to a psychologist or shrink. They are just interested in taking your hard earned money anyhow. Also, how dare you ask me for money, it doesn't grow on fucking trees. Get a real job you fucking tree hugger! Signed, Bill Dear Bill, This probobly sounds sick but everytime i see a prepubecent hot chick i spank myself silly i dont know why they turn me on soo much the just do i think its the fact that teir so small and cute can you help me? signed, taC -- Dear taC, First off son, you really need to learn how to spell and write correctly. Secondly, what exactly is a prepubescent hot chick? I didn't know there was such a thing, you filthy sick fuck. People like you should all be put on an island deep in the South Pacific and raped by packs of wild dogs. The funny thing is, I felt the same way as you until I turned my attention to hot prepubescent young boys, and now I feel great! Take care and god bless. Sincerely, Bill. Dear Bill, I'm 15 and I'm still a virgin, I'm offered sex on a weekly basis by really hot girls, but I'm scared my penis will be too small, its 3.5 inches and when I'm in the showers all my friends have much bigger penis' then me. I've recently met this girl I like a lot and she wants to do it with me badly but I have managed to get out of it twice now, her ex-boyfriend is on the rugby team with me and his penis is much bigger then mine, I'm scared she'll be disappointed when I take out my little Joey. :[ Please give me some advice. Signed, Crack. --- Dear Crack (or should I say Limp Bizkit?) First off, you really need to stop looking at other guys genitals, unless that turns you on. In that case may I refer you to something called homosexuality. If you feel too nervous or scared about having sex, in relation to your penis size, just take a few shots of vodka before you meet your girlfriend. That should loosen you up some. If in fact your girlfriend does laugh at your tiny tallywhacker, smack the bitch up. Chicks don't know shit when it comes to penis size. They think anything over 2 inches is a monster fish. If she continues to laugh at your penis while you are showing it to her then your penis is much too small for you to ever consider having sex. Try buying one of those strap-ons from an Adult store and use that in stead. Sincerely, Bill. Dear Bill, Sometimes when me and my boyfriend are having sex, he calls out his dads name. This is really starting to freak me out. What should I do? Signed, Confused in Maryland. --- Dear Confused in Maryland, Just go along with it. Look at him, can't you already tell? Yes. Dad-Son love is alive and well in the United States. Do you ever find strange NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) brochures lying around the house and wondered what they were but were too afraid to take a peek? Signed, Bill. Dear Bill, Recently I have found a large bump on the tip of my penis. Also, when I go out to bars at night, I find myself fucking any skank ho that I can get my hands on. What is wrong with me? Signed, Bumps on my Cock. --- Dear Bumps on my Cock, Signed, Bill. |
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