Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Stile Project Teen Zone!

I'm Elvis Snotsky, and it's my governent duty (for another 6 months at least until my community service hours are up) to help you make the most of your teen years!

Being a teen can be really hard. Even harder when you can't get some poon! So here is my advice to you, gentle, zit faced reader.

We here at Stile Project understand. Heck, we even pretend to care, so today we bring you....

Follow the following tips carefully and you can't lose!

1. If you're thinking about having sex for the first time, talk to someone you trust. Ask your local clergyman, he'll love to show you the ropes.
   
   
2. You should lose your virginity to someone you have known for a while, someone you care about and feel comfortable around. Your father is an ideal choice.
   
   
3. Concerns about penis size are common. Plump your schlong up by slamming it in a door. The ladies will love the bright purple speckles.
   
   
4. As you explore your girl's vagina you might notice a small nub of flesh above the vaginal opening. This is the clitoris, a small collection of nerves that act much like the pleasure centers in the penis. With this in mind grab the clit between your thumb and forefinger and pinch it like theres no tomorrow!
   
   
5. Young men often have problems with premature ejaculation. To prolong sexual pleasure, tie off your cock with a rubber band. If it turns purple, it just means you're ready for some hot lovin'!
   
   
6. Women are often hesitant to have sex because of poor body image. Tell your girl reassuring things such as "Hey Fatty, the only thing that needs to be in shape is your cunt! Now move them sweaty folds open and let me mayo your hams!"
   
   
7. Your partner may experience anxiety or doubts right before coitus. These can be easily assuaged with prescription drugs mixed with alcohol.
   
   
8. If they're still tense a quick blow to the head will loosen them up.
   
   
9. The act of sex can bring out unexpected emotions and your partner might begin to cry for no apparent reason. Tell her that if she lets you finish and doesnt tell her mommy and daddy, you'll buy her a new dolly.
   
   
10. Many girls find their first sexual encounter unsatisfying and cannot achieve orgasm. Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
    
    
11. Pregnancy can be avoided by pulling out early and shooting on your partner's face. Don't forget to tap out the last few drops on her lips.
    
    
12. If you use a condom and it breaks during the act, cleanse the vaginal area with bleach to prevent conraception.
    
    
13. If fear of getting your partner pregnant is a primary concern, cruise daycare centers for prospective dates.
    
    
14. Should you become pregnant, drink heavily on a daily basis to induce a miscarriage.
    

Testimonials!

"First Time Sex Helped Me! Thanks Stile!!!!"
These smart teens followed our advice, and just look at them now!
Tara Roberts, Teen Mom, 14 "I got knocked up from my first time, so I drank heavily like you said, I still ended up having a baby. However the peanut shaped skull and cross eyes caused by fetal alcohol syndrome makes little Huey so adorable! I don't mind that I've lost my childhood!"		Ralphy Bean Student, 16 "I went to talk to Father Price about wanting to lose my virginity. He seemed really interested in what I had to say and then sexed me up the ass. I loved it! Now I'm in the seminary so I can become a become a priest and counsel young boys! w00t!"
Lloyd Smalley Convicted, 17 "I followed your advice and my first time was great... so great in fact that I'm now required by law to tell my neighbors about it before I move into my new place!"		Martha Johnson Invalid, 17 "The condom broke so I syphoned half a bottle of Clorox into my pussy. Not only did I not get preggers but the doctors say I've permanantly destroyed my uterus and I'm sterile for life!"
Yvette Gross Student, 15 "I was self conscious about my weight and was worried about getting naked in front of my boyfriend. He said what you told him to which drove me to bulimia. Well, I lost 30 pounds and now I look AWESOME!"		Aaron Potter Dad, 45 "I'm so glad my Bobby found your page and followed your advice. Now I can't wait for his little brother to get older so I can break him in too... heh heh."