Eccentricity and unpredictable behavior are desirable traits that can spark reactions of awe and pity from your more routinely "stable" peers.

From time to time I am approached with the same repeat phrases from friends, who narrow their eyebrows as they are struck by confusion and concern, sending me digital notes that read upon lines of:

"Are you okay?"

"Dude, what the fuck is going on?"

Followed by "If you ever need someone to talk to..."

Impersonal mediums (email, text messages) are their only available way of contact, since I have made myself incapable of being communicated with through telephone (turned off, silenced, or ideally, disconnected) as I drift off and away from city to city. An unplanned decision which I announce with a public notice which lacks detail; twisted with the allure of semi-suicidal beauty. I throw that in to give it that extra punch of desperation that avoids the possibility of my words being deemed as an unnecessary overdramatic explanation, never want to reek of an unworthy narcissist, but rather let times like this be deciphered as the coded plea from the desk of an enigmatic wordsmith.

Example:

"I am outside a motel in San-Something, California. I can't fantasize with a game of make-believe that I am okay - I am not. I wish there was more I could say besides I am sorry."

Leave it at the apology. Who is the apologizing for? What was done?

Mystery calls for participation, it is time for them to play detective. A case for them to solve and hopefully without any participation from authorities; I believe you can't be registered as a "missing person" if you have logged onto Myspace in the past 24 hours. I may be wrong.

Your friends will be bewildered at your shift in behavior - you must internalize any pre-conceived desires to express your need for change. Better if you don't even think of the idea until you are throwing your suitcases into a car and driving across the country. You're news worthy gossip, branded with definitive mental instability - and that's good! As long as they like you already, if they don't then they'll just avoid you and you're branded with a "psycho" stamp - a bad one that'll leave an invisible mark on your forehead that will prevent you from making good impressions on anyone who has caught wind of your assumed illness.

Make sure you aim for the gold medallion, the "you're crazy, but that means fun" reputation. You can achieve low-grade celebrity status, and you graduate in rank as your social circle widens.

Now how to fuck up is really a matter of personal opinion on right/wrong good/bad decisions, yet I will suggest some moves that to the general public are typically deemed as the latter.

These are in no specific order:

1) Alienate yourself. Leave everyone behind - this usually goes over best in a public setting so you're the star of your own nervous breakdown spectacle; an improvised performance in which you let everyone know that you have decided that they are are worthless and so are you. This may seem too destructive but after all the dust has settled most of them will forgive you for it. The better you are at playing the maniacal friend who has turned temporarily evil, the better chances you have on rebuilding bridges later. The purpose of doing this is so they respect you more for being so god damn unpredictable. The end of your performance should turn from rage to uncontrollable sobbing on a dirty, dusty road - any road perhaps, because death by automobile is of no concern in gripping moments like this. Make it tender, make it real, but most importantly make it so no one's around to care.

2) Give up other's dreams. Notice how I said other's and not yours, because if your dream is live vicariously through the desires of your peers then refrain from following the instructions you have just read - but don't exclude yourself yet - you are to do the opposite of the habits I've outlined. If this is you please reread over everything with that in mind. Also, try to avoid thinking about how worthless you are for having to read everything over again, but know deep down inside, that everyone will always think you are. That should be your motto - the driving force behind everything you do to validate yourself through the acceptance of others in an attempt to dismiss yourself of your own relentless self-hatred. That's right, relentless. If you never let it go, you can truly reach for the stars. Even though the stars don't want you there, nor are you worthy of their company. Once you don't accept that you'll go beyond the stars, and so on until you realize that your entire life is a lie. Then, follow my first instruction and decide what you'd like to do from there.

The sacrifice of a lifestyle/profession that other's find admirable is a great way to show everyone that you're capable of REALLY doing whatever the fuck suits you and only you, best. It's relative to a superpower when you can casually dismiss all their petty interests to climb the socially boosted career ladders by gaining a position they find to be above their own and then giving it up completely; which you should quit sometime during the beginning of the performance described above.

3) Self-destruction. This can come in many forms and is probably one of the most important characteristics of someone who strives to become a genuine human tragedy. Your wasted talent, a repeating cycle of mistakes that what hold you back from reaching your "true potential." There are countless methods of accelerating your own psychological and physical decay, so this will give you the opportunity to find a way to personalize your image according to the options you have chosen.

To give you some ideas, my own methods involve a rotating menagerie of legal and illegal drugs, obliterating relationships with those who love me (they just want to help, fix you, etc.) and replacing them with people who have been similarly diagnosed psychologically by doctors. These types of friends are good for immoral support of all of my illogical reasoning.

If these 3 steps seem easy then you've got the right attitude - but always prepare. Win over the respect of your peers discreetly; be a natural, practice on the lower class and move your way up once you have made yourself into the reputable human tragedy. Exercise your grace and charm when you're inebriated by telling jokes about sensitive world-issues, forgetting everyone's name and being "accidentally" rude to everyone "important" that you'll hopefully get introduced to. Impressively blunt statements can always be dismissed by saying it was simply "sarcasm." Yes, you're just one of those very sarcastic people, not really out to hurt anyone, just making a few dry jokes that really have more truth to them than all the other small talk lies that people tell. Make people love you, hate you, and then love you again. Lastly, select and create a profound image. Adorn yourself with strange accessories and consider your closet/suitcase costuming - functionality of garments irrelevant.

T-shirts with funny slogans from movies don't make the cut. Pick a decade or idol as your basis before you make a public appearance. I've chosen Leonard Cohen/Edie Sedgwick/ninja/warrior/pirate. Always have variety.

Welcome to the world of underground stardom! Bask in your blazing trail of remarkable adventure - the breakdowns and periodical hospitalizations, the envy of your peers and the selfishly intentional ruination of your life.

Then kill yourself.