I've been sitting on this thought for a while now, trying to stop myself from keeping up to date on whoever's got the closer shave, between Kevin Federline and Britney Spears...

...or which teen icon's doing the most drugs and dating the hottest producers (Lindsay Lohan is in the lead, I think). I've come to the realization that being a celebrity, or an acting singing superstar or whatever you want to call it, is in serious decline. I mean, there were always the tabloids trying to uncover the nastiness behind the pop stars, exposing them at their worst moments, but things now are just out of control. Sure, the paparazzi have always been ready to capture (INSERT ANY TEEN IDOL HERE) without makeup on their stylists day off...

...looking like every other half assed American college chick in sweatpants with something like 'DIVA' written on the ass, wearing overpriced dresses and too much makeup, looking like clown catastrophes...

...looking cracked out and bald in a tattoo parlour (really the best publicity 'tragedy') of the moment if not, ever...

...but don't you remember better days? When Lohan was viewed as something like this:

Instead of:

American no longer sees these people as ones to look up to, the beautiful, the rich and the famous, but rather we want to find out everything that's wrong with them. Have it pointed out to the masses that they are no better than anyone else though they have a million dollar tag attached to their name and the financial freedom to do whatever the fuck they want. Driving drunk with illegal and legal narcotics and only get punished with a publicized trip to 'rehab' instead of thrown in jail for their accidents. No, it's okay for Britney to binge on uppers, downers and hit on STD-ridden strippers because she's America's little innocent angel, right? Remember 'Sometimes'?

See. Even though she probably didn't write the song herself she excused herself years ago for what she's doing now, sort of covered her ass by being vague about what she will 'sometimes' do. Sometimes she'll think it's a good idea to reproduce with an equally unintelligent back up dancer, twice, and then go on a Xanax/cocaine/ecstacy bender for a few months post-divorce and shave her head and hit cameramen with umbrellas.

Yeah, sometimes she'll go completely insane while everyone's watching because she's human like that and therefore entitled to make these type of mistakes.

'Cause like anyone else in America who's still buying People magazine she goes through hard times in her life where she's trying to figure out how to make the most of what she earned, back when she made it okay for everyone to openly worship their innocent schoolgirl fantasies.

from this:

to this:

Though we act surprised and disgusted on what has become of these precious teen icons they are just a glorified version of what happens to every high school Prom Queen once they realized that their white picket fence dreams of American Life do not guarantee a life of happiness and stability. The family outings to Walmart where mother, father and children can bond over the satisfaction they gain by being a part of the consumerist schemes are never enough, but it's too much at the same time because they will always want more.

If celebrity lifestyle is the depiction of success and beauty then I think we're on the right track of acceptance that the well-adjusted family was merely a myth. Celebrities are the publicized example that in order to stay in that comfortable disassociated frame of mind where you can be happy with life's disappointments, most people will benefit from anti-depressants, sedatives, and the drama in divorce and custody battles.

Richard Pryor got it right. Dear Britney, you want to go out like a blazing superstar that you've always been told that you are? Learn to freebase and set yourself on fire, run down the streets of Beverly Hills out of your mind. Keep the American dream alive by going out in flames. We'll never forget!

-ghostwriter