I have barely been able to get out of bed the last week. The
internet is the last thing on my mind. My best friend died, and
I don't really know how to handle it. I've never been able to
cry, so I just lay in bed thinking about all the times we hung
out together and then my eyes kind of tear up and then stop, then
I just lie there and stare at the ceiling. I feel like I'm a zombie
right now; everything just seems numb and pointless. Food has
no taste, and I just have this overwhelming sense of emptiness
hanging over my head. I really had to force myself to type this
shit, as all I've been doing lately is sleeping. Being awake just
reminds me how miserable and pointless existence is.
I've never had to deal with much death in my life. My uncle and
grandmother died when I was in my early teens, and I didn't really
know what to make of it since they were so old and I didn't really
know them well on a personal level. The strangeness of their funerals
still sits in the back of my mind, haunting me in my dreams every
once in a while. Funerals are such a surreal thing to experience,
and make me feel like I'm watching a movie. Just seeing someone
one day then being told that they are gone forever is just such
a dramatic shock that it never really sinks in. It's something
that I have a lot of trouble understanding. It seems as though
life is just pain and suffering, and we're all just slowly drowning
in the same pool of water, trying to push each others heads under
so we can survive a little bit longer.
Even when I found out a few months ago that some girl I went
to public and high school with (and barely talked to or had seen
in almost ten years) hung herself the day before her brothers
wedding, I was pretty fucking depressed. Months of talking to
the dead in my dreams followed. I wake up in a cold sweat and
just lie there staring at the ceiling wondering why they are invading
my mind making me unhappy. The dead have their own place. What
do they want with me? Just thinking about someone that I knew
since I was a child hanging from the ceiling makes me want to
wretch.
I'm sorry if you think this site sucks now or has gone downhill,
but it's just not the most important thing in my life as it once
was. That could change, but right now I just have no idea what
the hell is the point of living if every day brings a brand new
tragedy.
This video kinda made me laugh though... 500
Japanese people having sex in an airplane hangar.
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