Scumbo
Gets Laid In Amsterdam
When discussing
the idea of getting Dutch ho's with people I always seem to encounter
the same gripes. They always equate paying for a filthy whore with actually
getting "laid." They speak wistfully about how the best part
of sex is that moment when your hand first goes down a girl's pants and
feels her smelly, dripping cunt and knowing your hand will smell just
like that even after half a dozen showers. They complain that there is
no fun in spending 100 Guilders (the equivalent of $40 American) just
to get 15 mins with a disinterested slut.
My argument
to these points is very simple. One must distinguish 'getting laid' from
'paying to fuck.' Do you compare your 10 minute Chicken McNugget lunch
at McDonald's to a 4 course home cooked meal with all the trimmings? Of
course not. The Amsterdam Red Light district is the McDonald's of sex.
It's fast, relatively cheap, and features a clear menu offering a wide
(but not too wide, as I will discuss later) variety of sluts. You get
what you pay for and nothing more. Shit, I'm usually too full to eat desert
anyway.
 |
|
Hello.
I am a whore.
|
The Red Light
District is sort of a tricky area. I walked around for about a half an
hour in one area, believing it to be the Red Light District, when in fact
it was just a random street with a couple of whores that probably couldn't
make it to the Big Show. I was disappointed to say the least. But upon
wandering a bit further I stumbled on to a road called Oudezijds Voorburgwal.
This is a big wide street with a canal in the middle. All along the sides
you see the fluorescent red lights… the Sign of the Whore. Under each
of these lights is a window and in each window is a different whore, hungry
for your meat, and (more accurately) 100 Guilders.
When you
see pictures of the Red Light Disctrict, they are almost always of Oudezijds
Voorburgwal and the street directly parallel to it. But the place to look,
where the cream of the whore crop reside, are actually in two tiny alleys
directly off of Oudezijds Voorburgwal. The best way to find these alleys
is to look for the myriad of Bulldog Coffeeshops that reside on Oedezijds
Voorburgwal, and the best of the alleys are right next to them.
One of them
is literally about 3 feet wide. In fact, the 3 foot wide one is probably
the Best Alley of Hot and Dirty Whores in the entire universe.
Now, I am
a VERY diligent shopper and extremely indecisive. And there is always
the chance that while you're walking down the various alleys, THE slut
that you want to fuck above all the other sluts has the drapes drawn and
is stuffing a horrible throbbing and probably uncircumcised Arab cock
down her throat. So you want to make sure you make the rounds at LEAST
twice if not more, to make sure you do in fact see every ho the District
has to offer. It's all about options. So, my first night, I went around
a few times and surveyed the situation.
I had gone
to Amsterdam with four distinct whore types in mind. Giant whores, dwarf
whores, blonde bombshell with big ole fake titty whores, and black whores.
I logically figured as long as there is this quasi-menu system, where
I could windowshop and get exactly what I wanted, I might as well go for
sex with people I normally don't sleep with/can't get in my normal day
to day life. I only had two nights though, and I figured my most likely
scenario was going for the blonde bombshell one nite (everyone in the
Netherlands is blonde, and I figured there would be a high supply of these)
and then just finding the best among the giant, dwarf, or black sluts
to fulfill my other fantasy.
 |
|
Look
how DIRTY I am.
|
Sure enough,
upon scouring the District for the first of many times, it was indeed
apparent that finding the big ole fake tittied blonde bombshell would
be a relative breeze. It was also apparent that dwarves were definitely
out of the question and giants were pretty scarce too. But I figured I
would worry about that the second night…. Tonight would be Blonde Big
Fake Tittied Bombshell Night. The type you see in Playboy. A Pamela Anderson
clone.
After a few
times through the alleys, I made my choice. OK, she wasn't Pamela Anderson,
but she was blonde, her tits were big, and they were fake. I ignored the
fact that she seemed slightly cross eyed. So I knock on her little window/door.
She opens the door and smiles and I ask "um.. hi.. uh… how much?"
She looked at me funny and said "100 Guilders for suck and fuck!"
I was sold.
I walked
into the room and she drew the red curtains. Without a word she starts
getting undressed. I was left just sort of standing there, so I dutifully
start doing the same. I asked her name and she says Nancy and that she's
from Austria. That's sweet… I'm all about fucking an Austrian. Then she
comes up to my skinny naked ass and nicely says "Pay first please."
This is fair enough… not much she'd be able to do if I fucked her then
refused to pay. I pay up, and she lays on her hot naked ass on the bed
and calls me over. This fucking girl is HOT. Long blonde hair, a perfect
ass with a little tattoo of a heart on it, bald pussy, and big fake fun
bags. I'm usually not a fan of implants, but because I had never even
touched a pair, it was imperative that my whore had big fake boobs.
 |
|
ROXANNE
-- You don't have to put on the red light!
|
I lay down
on the bed and she sort of gets over me and asks "Have you done this
before?" I lie and say "Yes." (She was referring to fucking
a prostitute, not fucking in general, wise-asses).
"So
you know what to do, yes? I suck you and then when you are ready you tell
me, and then we fuck." Sounds great baby, start sucking.
She carefully
puts a condom on me and starts going to work. Now fucking hell, this is
GREAT head, even WITH the condom.
There are
mirrors all around the bed so you can actually watch your sorry ass getting
sucked off by this gorgeous blonde bitch. Within about 2 minutes I am
ready to fuck. In fact, it caused a bit of a dilemma… I was enjoying getting
my dick sucked so much that I didn't want her to stop, but on the other
hand I didn't want to get so close to shooting my load that I would only
get 10 seconds of fucking.
So I sort
of tapped her on the shoulder and shouted "READY!!!" She turns
over on her back and I get on top and stick my dick in, which is at a
FULL FIVE INCHES and THROBBING. I slide gently into her sweet cunt. I
finally get my hands on her fake tits and I'm surprised how much I enjoy
them. Usually big tits sort of lose all semblance of a shape once a chick
is on her back… they just flatten out, but these stand straight up and
when you lick them and touch them they still look and feel exactly like
the big fun bags you fell in love with the first time you saw them. Except
they seem weirdly lumpy. I fucked her and licked her tits and watched
in the mirror. I continued to ignore her crossed eyes.
In about
3 minutes I was done. We get out of bed and she immediately goes to the
sink and washes out her pussy. I bet she does that a million times
a night. I get dressed and I'm out the door. All within 15 mins. Romance
at it's finest. When I got out the door, my friend started sort of making
fun of the fact that I lasted all of 15 minutes, but like I told him,
these girls are professional fuckers. Their JOB is to get you to cum as
soon as possible. And Nancy was a true professional.
The next
day all I did was sit in the sun all day smoking joints, drinking Heineken
and thinking about what whore I was gonna bang that night. By night time
I was totally fucking trashed. I'd decided I was going to wander around
the Red Light District until I found EXACTLY what I was looking for… most
likely a giant or a really hot black girl, as it did not appear that a
midget was an option.
So I wandered
through alleys into other alleys and back into the same alleys again.
I had a few beers and deliberated my choices. I wandered around again.
I couldn't find a single giant that wasn't an Asian transsexual. (Be warned,
there's a certain alley that seems to be populated solely by Asians, many
of whom are definitely transvestites or transsexuals). And as far as the
black girls, it seems most of them are in the outskirts of the redlight
district and they all seemed pretty skanky. Not only that but as you walk
by they are rapping their nails on the glass and yelling at you to come
over and it's all a bit frightening and intimidating. There were a couple
of OK black girls but I wanted HOT. Big black titties and bright pink
pussies. Yum. I had Jungle Fever.
But it wasn't
to be. I couldn't find one that fit the specs I was looking for, so then
I just drunkenly said, "Fuck it, I'm just gonna find the hottest
girl I can that will let me do her doggy style." So I wandered around
once more. There was another stunning blonde with huge tits. She was even
hotter than the one the night before. She was standing outside and I just
went up to her and asked what her price was. Once again, 100 Guilders.
I asked what you get for that (I'd heard that sometimes they won't give
head or take off their top or whatever), and she rather rudely responded
"A great time with her." I asked for specifics, and asked what
positions etc. She said it would be me on top. I passed. She had a bad
attitude. Then I saw this other girl. This was the girl I wanted. She
was sort of Asian looking but only a little. Tan skin. Big REAL boobs.
Absolutely gorgeous. Not what I initially set out looking for but fuck
man, I couldn't pass it up. I went up to her and asked how much. Then
she opened her mouth and revealed the most disgusting, blackened, nasty,
rotten teeth I have ever seen in my life, aside perhaps from Stile's grandmother
and Shane McGowan.
Despite her
assertion that she would do doggy style I had to pass.
 |
|
Can
you smell my pussy?
|
Discouraged,
I continued walking down the alleys, not sure what I should do in my drunken
state. Every slut looked good, but I wanted GREAT. Then I caught sight
of an ass. Not just any ass. An ass wearing skimpy hot pants adorned with
the the Stars and Stripes of my great nation, the United States Of America.
This was a sign. I immediately went up to her and confirmed that I could
fuck her doggy style and that she would suck cock. She was feisty and
fun. Her name was 'Amanda.' And she was a gorgeous brunette… tall and
tan and Mediterranean looking. Her tits were small but pert and natural
and she had a cute little Hitler stripe on her pussy.
Pretty much
the same routine followed until she oddly enough told me she was going
to wash my dick. I figured… ok.. this might be fun. So we stand in front
of the sink, with a mirror in front of us, and I watch her lather up my
dick with soap and slowly stroke it, bringing me to a full stiffy in record
time. After she rinsed me off, we went on to the bed and she sucked and
spitted and sucked on my cock some more.
When I shouted
"READY!" she stopped blowing me and sat on my shaft, again,
at a full stiff FIVE INCHES, assuring me that she would get on her hands
and knees in a few minutes but she wanted to fuck me like that first.
I wasn't about to argue. The strange thing was that she wouldn't let me
touch her tits. I found that sort of odd considering at that moment I
was balls deep into her pussy. But whatever. Sure enough, after about
a minute, she got up on all fours… For a wonderful 24 seconds I watched
myself in the mirror thrusting my dick into this dirty tanned whore doggy
style, and thinking about how just moments earlier she'd been wearing
Stars and Stripes hot pants. My fat messy load literally exploded from
my cock like Independence Day Fireworks.
As I put
my clothes back on Amanda turned up the radio. The Beach Boys were on.
As the immortal words "Bermuda, Bahamas, Come on pretty Mama"
poured out from the airwaves, I can honestly say, I had never been more
proud to be an American.
|
