This was a really difficult process for me. As I started to list the most likely candidates for STDs and stardom, I realized that almost every actress with a name for themselves is fucking almost everyone in the industry, which is the not-so-secret key to being successful in Hollywood. There are a few exceptions, such as those who can actually act, but even the classiest of celebrity A-listers had to give someone a blow job, but they call that being "discovered."

Basically being an actress is like being a very expensive prostitute. Since their rates are so high, the directors or agents, who play the role of the pimp, make them work a little bit harder than the ordinary street workers. They whore them out to the entire world on silver screens for all of us ordinary people to jerk off to when a nipple slips out of their dress.

Yet lately, it seems as if these little starlets are having to up their game. Underwear doesn't seem necessary anymore and hey, times have changed, too. It's okay these days to showcase the fact that you are a total fucking slut. In fact, I'm going to bet that it's encouraged. The more times you get into your car and flash your pussy the more you get talked about and the more you get paid.

Anyways, on with the list. Now some of you may disagree on the ordering of this list but I'm not really doing it based on who is the most likely to get AIDS, because we all know that that's Paris.

My list is basically a rank of who I've concluded is the best of the Hollywood sluts, meaning, they've sucked and fucked enough to get themselves a fucking castle by now, and they are dirty little princesses. That's why we love them. It's actually a really beautiful fantasy: imagine pulling back a head full of beautifully bleached hair with a tiara on top, while you nail a girl in the ass who has a butler to scream at to "get some more fucking lube."

I'll start with the lowest, meaning, these girls mother's didn't teach them the right manners, like "honey, make sure to cover your teeth when you suck dick" or they simply aren't putting out enough. Or maybe they're serious when they say that "no sex before marriage" bullshit. Or maybe they're just a few steps away from being a lazy don't-give-a-shit-about-their-career-anymore-type who feels perfectly content settling down with someone who will worship them for everything they were back in 1995.

Enough with nostalgia. ON WITH THE SLUTS!

Let's begin with the lowest on the ladder.

#20: Nicole Richie

Okay. I didn't think this would need to be said but apparently someone pass the memo on: FUCKING THE LEAD SINGER OF GOOD CHARLOTTE WILL NOT HELP YOUR CAREER. Oh, and I know that you were once a fat bitch and you fixed that error by going on the Xanax diet but having a chest that could be played like a xylophone is not sexy. GOOD CHARLOTTE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PUNK. AND PUNKS PLAY GUITARS. NOT XYLOPHONES. Everything she is doing is wrong; except the slowly dying from anorexia part.

before:

after:

"I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!!"

#19: Mandy Moore

THIS BITCH IS NOT PUTTING OUT. NO NIPPLE SLIPS OR CUNT FLASHES. Mandy you are fucking hot but unless you ease up on the whole making sure your shit don't fall out of your clothes schtick, get the fuck out of Hollywood. You are the potato-sack-princess. DISAPPOINTMENT.

#18: Tara Reid

Hi Tara. Remember when you played that – sorry I had to stop mid-sentence because these pictures actually made me throw up some of the Thai food I had for dinner. Thanks bitch. Not only did you ruin the American Pie dream everyone had of you being this hot virgin ready2fuck but you just wasted the Korean chef who made me my dinner's time.

#17: Christina Aguilera

I don't know. I have a soft spot for X-Tina ever since that "I love black cock!" quote she made around the time she was introducing her new DRRRTY (which is white-girl-pretending-to-ghetto-speak for YEAH I GOT STDS BITCH WHAT!). But recently she's been giving less of this:

and been seen with the likes of:

She is 2 steps away with going on Oprah trying to talk a bunch of feminist bullshit trying to excuse her sluttiness by calling it 'freedom to express your sexuality' and then grabbing Oprah's tits or something. Sick.

#16 + 15: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson

Now they haven't yet shown themselves as the whores they truly are, but I predict two things for these two little so-called humanitarian Christians shut-the-fuck-ups.

Jessica is a Britney waiting to happen. It's obvious that no one told her that John Mayer isn't really interested in her as he is in maintaining some sort of momentum from the crap he put out three years ago by pulling this double-couple tour publicity stunt where 14 year olds can think it's all cute that their favorite shitty pop stars are making beautiful angel babies every night. No, she thinks he's really in love with her and once that dream burns down (i.e. the tour ends) she will plunge into a pitiful mess of cocaine/strippers and prescription pills.

This recent photo is evidence she is trash-in-training.

As for Ashlee, right now she is dating some pop-punk asshole who showed his dick via Sidekick to the internet. That means she is definitely taking it up the ass. Rockstars only fuck actresses or lipsyncing pop stars for a short period and then dump them once they are sick of them always trying to cock block their right to fuck the groupie of their choosing.

#14: Jenna Jameson

Okay, I was maybe a little high when I made this list and when I got to this name I sort of whatthefuck'd myself and tried to think of a suitable replacement because this bitch is definitely not hot anymore and pornstars should also be excluded from the ranking because it's like putting a white guy who studied karate in a fight with a black guy with a gun. Then I said what the hell and started googling pictures of her when she wasn't the size of a 12 year old boy.

Hey this looks familiar.

Anyways, yeah. I guess she used to be hot. I can't wait to see what the "vagina surgery" looks like. No really, I've never see this before. Do they like remove excess skin or... sorry, fuck, sick.

OK, moving on, hot sluts.

#13: Chloe Sevigny

The reason I put her on the list is not because she is extra-special at any sort of activity besides being completely accessible to the public. Meaning, if you want to fuck any celebrity she is your best bet. True story. I know several people who have gotten approached by her. While she's in town she likes to hit up bars on the prowl for local prey that she can spread her crotch diseases to. She goes for the dumb hipster types, so just grab yourself a pair of dumb ironic glasses and put on your sisters pants and there's your chance at being able to brag to your doctor that you got those cysts from that slut in Kids. He won't even care but somehow celebrity STDs are special, like dirty diseased autographs on your genitals.

Plus she sucked dick in the shitty movie Brown Bunny.

"GLUG GLUG GLUG!"

TO BE CONTINUED... THE FINAL 10 OF THE HOTTEST IN HOLLYWOOD WHOREDOM.